Ipoh… Ipoh…

Today marks the beginning of my fourth month in Ipoh. Although the fact that I wasn’t posted to Penang GH still makes me sulk a little, I’ve kinda accepted the fact that I’ve ended up in Ipoh and will be here for the next 2 years.

Working as a houseman is REALLY no joke at all. Although I carry a ‘Dr’ in front of my name, it’s no glamour at all. Scoldings from my superiors really made me felt like I’m worth nothing and I’m the most foolish person that has ever lived. Nothing I did is ever enough for them. No matter how tiring I’ve made myself to carry out all their orders, if there’s one thing I’ve missed out, I’ll be the worst houseman ever and I shouldn’t even be allowed to graduate in the first place.

Well, some say this is how they train new doctors, to make us tougher and to humble us, to instill the fact that doctors are not god. But… I could at least be treated as a grown up, a fellow colleague… though I’m less experienced, less knowledgeable, slower in carrying out orders, making more mistakes etc. Please give me some time…

How did I survive all these? I’ve learnt to take comments selectively. I remembered one specialist told me, “Just treat as though they are your parents nagging at you, hear and forget”. That kinda helped. I’ve also coined a principle for myself – “As long as you end up teaching me something, I don’t mind being scolded or even ridiculed.”

Before this, as I’ve gathered from Mom, Bro and Leslie, I’m someone who is impatient, who just have to speak out her mind whenever things don’t go her way or when things seem unfair to her. And, they are rather amazed how I could stand quietly when unnecessary scoldings start. One thing I’m grateful for, that this learning process has really made me more patient and I’ve learnt to shut up when I know nothing much can be said or done rather than to fight back as I would previously.

Don’t get me wrong, life as a houseman is not all bad. There are also lots of good days slotted in between. Especially those days when I’m re-affirmed of my service with the smiles on my patients’ faces and the unending ‘thank you’ that they offer, all these just made everything worthwhile.

Sometimes I just wondered why I have to choose this torturing profession. No doubt I have interest in medicine since young, but the toiling just makes me puzzled at my dream of becoming a doctor. However, when a depressed lady who is dawned with the fact that she has terminal cancer pours out herself to me; when the delight shone on the old man’s face when I gave him the direction to the ward where his ill wife laid; when the injured little boy who has lost his mother in the road accident only trusted me and chose to talk to me alone; when the man who was admitted in the middle of the night unable to pass urine showed his gratitude to me just because I was the one there to put in a tube for him and helped him… all these just makes the toiling worth and what kept me going.

It’s a privilege, I would say. But, it’s also a task to shoulder such a great responsibility of handling lives entrusted to me. Everyday is a challenge and I need to be on my guard all the time. Just one slight error and someone’s life could be endangered! I’ve fumbled many times, but thank God I haven’t caused anyone’s life. Whenever I make a mistake, it’s at the expense of a person’s life… he could be someone’s father, someone’s husbands, someone’s son or someone’s brother. A medical officer scolded me “What do you mean you’ve learnt from your mistake?! We can’t afford to make mistakes here!” He’s right…

So much for my houseman life…

At this moment, I’m thankful for where I am now. I’m learning to see God’s hands in every circumstance that unfolds each day. Being here puts my family and Leslie in difficult situations, but they’ve been very patient, bearing with me all that’s taking place. I tried hard to think positively of every situation that I’m in. At times, I’m unsure if I’m only lying to myself and fooling myself. But I guess what’s true is I need to learn to count my blessings and to know that as long as I have my God with me, all will be well with me.